Family Isn’t Always Safe: Setting Boundaries During Summer Visits
Photo by: Zhu Liang
The first time one of my clients — let’s call her Maya — decided not to attend her family’s annual reunion, she shared with me how anxious and conflicted she felt leading up to it. She barely slept the night before, her stomach in knots, guilt tangled with dread. She kept hearing her mother’s voice in her head: “You know how much this means to your grandmother.” But what was never spoken in her family was how emotionally exhausting these gatherings had become for her — the subtle jabs about her body, the persistent questioning about why she was still single, the way the room would go silent whenever she spoke up about something “too political.” She told me that each year, she left feeling smaller than when she arrived. That summer, for the first time, she chose herself.
We don’t talk enough about the courage it takes to say: I can’t keep sacrificing my peace for other people’s comfort.
The idea of summer family visits often conjures barbecues, beach days, and easy laughter. But for many, summer doesn’t bring rest — it brings dread. Especially if “family” has historically meant tension, judgment, or outright harm.
The cultural narrative that “family is everything” falls apart when your nervous system goes into overdrive every time a parent makes a passive-aggressive comment, or when you’re expected to re-enter a home that refuses to affirm your identity, respect your boundaries, or acknowledge past harm.
Therapy clients often come in around this time of year asking:
Do I have to go?
What will they say if I don’t show up?
How do I survive another weekend of pretending I’m okay when I’m not?
There’s no one-size-fits-all answer — but one truth remains: you do not owe anyone access to you just because they’re related to you.
Boundaries aren’t betrayal. They’re a form of self-trust. But for those raised to prioritize family harmony over their own wellbeing, setting boundaries can feel like breaking a sacred rule. That’s why it’s so hard.
Photo by Pexels RDNE
Boundaries might look like:
Booking a hotel instead of staying in your childhood bedroom.
Setting a firm end time for your visit, and sticking to it.
Steering conversations away from triggering topics — or opting out entirely.
Saying, “This isn’t up for discussion,” and walking away.
Not going at all — and letting that be enough.
It’s okay to say:
“I love you, but I can’t be around you right now.”
Or:
“I’ve worked too hard on my healing to undo it in one weekend.”
Photo by: Meg Jenson
And it’s okay to grieve. Grieve the version of family you hoped for. The image of summer from commercials and Instagram stories. Grieve the gap between what you deserve and what you’ve been given.
But alongside grief, you are allowed TO PROTECT YOUR PEACE. Even if it means finding it with chosen family instead of blood ties. Even if it means spending the weekend in nature, with friends, or by yourself — reclaiming your time as something sacred.
If you’re bracing for summer visits, here’s your permission slip: You get to choose how you show up — or whether you show up at all.
You’re allowed to protect your peace.
You are not selfish for needing space to breathe.
You’re not weak for walking away. You’re strong for choosing what helps you breathe.
Some family traditions deserve to be broken — especially when what’s on the line is your health, your truth, and your sense of self.
Let this summer be different. Let it be yours.