What It Means to Be Familiar With Yourself
Written by Tatille Jackson, MFT-LP (she/her)
Photo by: Tania Mousinho
How do you relate to yourself? If you have an inner dialogue, do you welcome the voice that speaks to you? When you are alone and stumble, do you giggle, curse, or blush in that unguarded moment? Do you know what feels important to you and actively engage in it? Are you familiar with yourself?
The relationship we have with ourselves is primary. It is our most intimate and constant. How we talk, think, and feel about ourselves largely determines the quality of our lives. For example, the ability to fall asleep at night despite the legitimate worries of life can rely on your ability to reassure yourself - to recognize concern while finding a sense of trust. Having a hard experience does not have to mean that you are hard on yourself. This involves a willingness to acknowledge difficulty while feeling confident in your commitment to self-preservation. A commitment this meaningful requires a certain amount of understanding, honesty, and time with yourself. Therapy can be a place to do this. Trusted friends, family, and mentors can also offer a secure place to reflect. So can parks, museums, basketball courts, bathtubs, dancefloors, and places of worship. Like any other relationship, connection grows with time spent together in all kinds of spaces. Over time, you will notice how you speak to yourself and what you tend to say. When you make a mistake, you will notice if you tend towards humility, criticism, or shame. You will become aware of what you value and therefore what motivates you. You will grow familiar with yourself.
Photo by: Frankie Cordoba
Along with bell hooks’ and Erich Fromm’s idea that self-love is essential to loving others, attachment theory’s concept of secure attachment, and the Buddhist practice of loving-kindness, I believe that the more secure we feel in our connection with ourselves, the more available we are to connecting with others. Feeling confident in how you treat yourself while relating to another human being allows for an openness that comes with a self-generated sense of safety. Because this sense of safety is based on our willingness to see and understand ourselves, it generally leaves us available to be seen and understood by others to a similar degree. It is difficult to let people into a space we are not willing to go ourselves. It can be difficult to be kind to ourselves when our childhoods were spent with people who were not, to give ourselves grace when we make that mistake yet again, or to allow ourselves joy when we think we do not deserve it. Understanding why self-kindness feels strange, how to offer yourself accountability with grace, and how to embrace satisfaction strengthens your sense of self and expands your ability to experience kindness, accountability, grace, and joy with others.
Photo by: Lenin Estrada
Our connection to ourselves serves as a welcoming force when closeness does not threaten our sense of safety. It is important to note that this self-generated commitment-based sense of safety is not fragile and develops alongside a growing capacity for vulnerability and inclusivity. The idea is that a connection to self is more durable than the unavoidable emotional turmoil of life and ultimately brings us closer to each other.
If you sometimes feel like a stranger to yourself or find it difficult to be open with others, you might find this exploration helpful. If so, I would like to work with you. You can view my profile to learn more about me and my approach.
Tatille Jackson, MFT-LP (she/her)
Tatille Jackson, MFT-LP, supports clients in deepening their relationship with themselves, others, and the life transitions that shape them. Her work centers self-esteem, anxiety, personal growth, trauma, relationships, communication, and Ketamine-Assisted Psychotherapy. Grounded in discernment, emotional safety, and presence, Tatille helps clients move toward greater self-understanding, steadiness, and connection.
